| you twisted my reality, and all my possibility.'s Journal |
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you twisted my reality, and all my possibility.
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| whoops |
[27 Dec 2007|09:16pm] |
i did something i shouldn't have yesterday.
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| i'd ring your neck with barbed wire if i could |
[11 Dec 2007|12:46am] |
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since i already mentioned the fact that i'd be going to a party saturday, let's break it down so you'll all know why i need to avoid social gatherings like this.
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| here we are again |
[08 Dec 2007|01:50am] |
this has been neglected for nearly eight months. have been using it infrequently for posting in communities and just checking up on old friends. i went through a period and still going through a privacy phase. i've tried to discover old journals/sites and deleted most of them. i wanted to try and be sure i knew what parts of me were circulating around the internet. though i know i only found a handful, only a few others might be out there. which is fine, i don't see any reason in anyone being interested in what my teenage mind was pondering then, heck i don't even care.
been busy with school/work/and even more so these days with friends. came home about an hour ago from the movies, went to see the golden compass. it turned out to be great! can't wait to see the sequel. a few of the previews piqued my interest too. a party/day in boston tomorrow with a friend. hopefully it'll be good.
i got a call and a voicemail during the movie. it was a friend of mine who, i think even though my warnings, he has developed feelings. however small or large, i cannot return those. at this point in my life i need to be on my own, maybe in a few years...who knows maybe even sooner. but right now i feel content with myself, i'm real independent so it's hard to let someone in when i know i can take care of myself.
also did post a set of pictures in suicide boys and they seem to be getting good vibes so i'm glad. been months since i attempted taking photos of myself. if you want to check them out you can head on over to that community. i'm too tired to try and get the link and yadda yadda. so i'm heading to the shower and then to bed. hopefully for the few of you that read this, i keep it going this time ey?
- S
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| really now |
[26 Apr 2007|11:22pm] |
i fiddled with the camera. here are the results... 
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| ten weeks ago |
[26 Apr 2007|12:15am] |
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haven't been updating much, i sort've forgot that i promised i'd be keeping up with this after i last posted pictures.
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| tender nostrils |
[11 Feb 2007|12:49am] |
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i'm never sleeping with arielle ever again. after i left the hotel party i felt stuffed up which i usually do after sleeping with someone, yet i never feel sick after i fuck someone. so i don't know how that balances out. today was celebration of dad's dad's death, which meant tons of food and lighting of incense. i didn't spend too much time at home, i was out with sylvia, amanda, and richard for most of the day. bought a book to read during work breaks and what not. also saw the messengers which was alright, weird, and funny which i know they weren't trying to aim for. then went to kylie's party. which was fun, and i was coughing up a lung as well, but i promised i'd be there so i was. meds aren't doing what they're supposed to at all. i'm looking forward to seeing christina aguilera perform at the grammy's tonight though. she's queen bee when it comes to anything musical. that's all i've gotta say. the pics i'm posting to end this entry are originally the ones i liked better, but i fucked up when resizing. so if your okay with squinting...
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| sooner or later |
[05 Feb 2007|09:27pm] |
reading through the posts dating back to 2005 made me realize how naive i was. even in my writing i can still feel it. two years later and a helluva changing process nearly finished. i'm content, happy at times even. so eventually i'll pick up on updating this thing, i haven't in awhile i know and i'm trying to get back into it. i've been posting pictures at suicideboys, for those of you who find your way onto my journal can probably expect more racy pictures but in due time. right now i'm sick and cold.
 just another little snippet from the batch of photos i had already posted on sb. enjoy - steven |
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| still waiting... |
[24 Jan 2006|06:47pm] |
you know that feeling when everythings perfect when your with that one person ? who seems to no matter what be able to grace your life with this amazing feeling that words would never ever be able to give justice to ? i've finally found that someone whose been able to show me what love is. admittingly i am surprised that out of everyone, he's what i really needed in the end. never did i feel relucant to giving " us " a try, back then i was naive and was oblivious to what he offered. now that we've been dating for a couple months it's just something that whenever i talk about a smile adorns my face. i giggle like a little girl and it's like wow i'm falling in love with this man. we both know how we feel for each other but, taking it slow and the process of getting to know each other is just still in effect and will be for a while. i don't want to rush anything anymore, i'll wait for as long as i have to. it scares me how much i'm starting to like this boy, it really does.
we haven't seen each other in over two weeks, barely get to talk on the phone, it took its toll on me. i questioned whether or not i meant to him as much as he said. if i was of value to him, if i was worthy of his time. which i didn't think he thought i was. i try calling every night, trying to see maybe if i can see him, always a " sorry i'm tired " , " i really want to go to the gym " , or just another listening to his voicemail. he's always busy and never calls which makes me feel inadequate. i tried calling last night but, he was tired so i didn't keep him long enough to just pour my heart out. i know that no matter what i'll wait for him but, i don't want to be pushed aside like i was just another fuck, that's not how i want to be feeling. we'll see, however this ends i still and always will care. it's in my nature, i put them first and myself second. where do your priorities lay ?
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[19 Dec 2005|04:05pm] |
haven't been updating this thing too much been caught up in other stuff. check out the xanga though, my poetry is posted there. i was tryna update during comp lit. class but, the bitch caught me and i had to ex out was supposed to be doing some stuff on earthquakes. last week of school before break, pretty hyped.
been seeing this kid eddie, not offically together but, let's hope that changes soon. thoughts in my head just confusing me. it's a tough situation, i'll explain when i've got the time to. he's a sweetheart though. weekend pretty sucked cause of what i had on my mind.
spending christmas eve in Winthrop with melanie and her fam. be back on christmas day i suppose. well yeah gonna get going.
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[17 Dec 2005|02:13pm] |
i've been awoken by truth
by mystery in our futures
i did not see
but, i still long to hear
everything you've got to say
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[02 Nov 2005|03:01pm] |
During the weekend didn't do much but, hang out with Enoc, Dara and
Matt. Did flips and the whole usual thing. Enoc got suspended for
jumping onto the walls and moving the cameras around, suspended for
three days and in big ass trouble with his parents. Vice principal
called down like half of the fucking school to hand out detentions. And
I guess we had a bomb threat which took an hour of out school so no one
really complained but, the principal.
Bought Tina out to go trick or treating on Monday. She was all giddy
about. I probaly won't touch the candy I got, the limited few. Cavaties
man. Gotta keep these pearly whites, white and healthy. I failed
science with a 50. 78 % haha darn. Next time I'll actually do homework,
or just show him old homework like I did today and it worked. Brittany
and I are talking more which is cool. I guess I thought about stopping
the weed smoking, drunken nights and random hook ups. I'm not up for
being that person I was last year.
The moving thing isn't on my mind. I guess Lawernce is where they wanna
end. I got a plan B. Ask Brittany H. to ask her mom if I can stay with
them for awhile which means until I graduate. We'll see how this whole
thing pans out. I'm at Sylvia's typing this thang up. Hiep's in Las
Vegas again. Dooche better not blow all of his cash. Might be able to
finally see Tiffany. It'll be great if things work out.
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[28 Oct 2005|11:02pm] |
Mr. Jackson : " you have to work independently"
Jen Brown : " can we work in partners?"
Schools been lame, moving on. Been writing more poetry, I'm digging the
new lines. I got piles of homework to do this weekend. Feeling shitty
as fuck. Enoc, Dara, and Matt woke me up around 5. Walked to Dunkin's
and just did flips. Jessica and Amanda met up with us. Chilled inside
for awhile before heading to Enocs. He couldn't go out so we just
waited but, I left. Went to familys and saw Jamie so hung with her.
Walked around with Brandon, David, Ryan and all these other kids.
Headed up at the park. Surprised to see Melanie and Kiera down there.
Tons of kids were trashed. Adam and I are on a cool basis now, which is
good.
Craig's got fucking vampire teeth. Fake or not their cool. After
everyone basically just left went back to familys with Mel and Kiera.
The idiots didn't even remember that we ordered fries. They left and I
chilled with Jamie and the other kids. They ordered fries too and the
guy forgot about them also. Spat ice tea through my lip and doused
Melanie with it while she was with me. Got a ride home from David's
momma. She seems like cool shit kid.
Not really sure what's going on in my head these days. Don't think I
wanna elaborate too much either. I think this is gonna be my last post
for awhile. Xanga is calling me back.
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| PRETTY SPIFFY |
[24 Oct 2005|03:12pm] |
Weekend was actually fun. Friday hung out with Sam and Sarah, didn't do
much but, did chill at Jay's house with Serge. Walked Sam to Sarah's
cause they were getting picked up by Sarah's mom. Called Enoc and went
over to his place. Got in the car and just talked with Gelina. 7ish I
walked home, made a few stops though. Didn't do a whole lot the rest of
the night.
Around 5 pm called up Melanie to hang out. She said she was going to
the movies and the mall so I went with her and her friends. Snuck into
the movies cause I didn't have money to buy a ticket. Mel's boyfriend
is pretty short. But, Kiera's new guy is alright looking. Pouring rain out
as we walked across the street to the mall, some dumb ass thought it
was a good idea not to have their head lights on. Moron yelled out the
window to the Melanie and Kiera " Girls it's only raining out" as they
walked across the street, half naked. We went to hottopic and claires
so Melanie and Kiera could get what they needed. We spent 10 minutes
in Claires just dressing each other up and saying anal beads. Haha,
freaking awesome. Got picked up by Mel's dad and went back to her place.
Kiera couldn't stay over so she left around 1130ish.
Mel and I just made some food and watched tv. She always keeps falling
asleep early and all that. Went to sleep and then woke up around 10.
Ate pancakes and just chilled until Kiera came over again. They were
on the phone the whole day making plans that just wouldn't work out.
Watched some tv and then passed out for a couple hours. Went home around 5.
No food. Just an emtpy box of pizza. Ain't that just grand. Went to shower
and what do I find? I find pee on the seat again. Does anyone in the fucking
house know how to aim their own dick so that their urine goes into the toliet bowl?
And not onto the seat? Idiots. I love how when I ask them if I can use the computer
to check my email and etc they say " I don't know" These are the idiots that use the
computer from when they get home from school until midnight. Shitheads.
So I guess there's gonna be a GSA at DHS finally. I'll be staying after on Thursday
with the crew but, they got detention and all that shit. Went today with Enoc to the LVEND.
Took awhile but, we finally got the padlock cutter and I got my bag of goods. Everythang's just
fucking great really.
I got ten more minutes on this thing and spent most of the time typing this shit up.
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[21 Oct 2005|12:08am] |
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"And I'll sing songs
To help me stay up all night long
Cause I don't want to go to sleep"
I don't really enjoy the fact that all I do is dream about love. Night after night thinking about the feelings I'm without. I know that I'm doing good without anyone to have as a boyfriend or girlfriend but, I miss those feelings I felt back when I had someone. Spending saturday nights alone isn't enjoyable nor is hanging out with friends you feel for but, only to feel as if their not returning the feeling. Oh well, not something I should put more unneeded attention towards. It's good to just get it out though.
Dads selling the house once again. Having been in Dracut for three years and already packing my bags isn't so grand. It's all part of what has to go down. I guess if I can get anyone to let me bunk with them then that'd be great. Slim chances though. Methuen or Lawernce isn't where I wanna be any time soon. I like this white infested town I live in.
Another late night up, another late start to the morning. I keep getting distracted by blogging sites. I remembered that my camera screen is broken and someone stole my memory card, thus leaving me with no new pictures. Fucking lame brothers seriously.
Spent a good 30 minutes skimming through this guys blog. It made me think about the past. I've never been through so much in just a little span of two-three years. Failed relationships, coming out, losing friends, feeling rejection, being depressed to the point of suicide but, mostly being someone I wasn't. And being with people just because I wanted to feel secure. Risking something that meant so much to me, on someone that didn't matter. It shouldn't have happened and one day maybe I'll be able to say hey, it just had to happen that way. Maybe when I'm older I'll cope with it. I blame no one, I grew up to fast. I didn't sit back and enjoy all those things I should've been concentrating on.
It's nearing 1 am and I think I'll check out a few more blogs before heading down to snooze.
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[16 Oct 2005|02:18am] |
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progress report card - science failed. english d. tech theatre b. math c. spanish b. comp lit satisfactory. history b. ( not completely sure on some of em i had to use memory since i left my stuff at enocs house )
been hanging with rebecca, gelina and enoc a lot these past days. met up with them last night and went to the haunted house with julie and matt. scary shit but, worth it none the less. made a little stop at wendys and back home. round 2' met up with enoc and matt and went to the lowell vend. place. didn't have much luck but, got some things which was good. some dumb ass was friggen washing his car at 3 30 in the morning. fucking idiot.
saw my neice deeana last night too. she's a cutie. talked to thuy who barely calls much but, once in awhile is still good. life's great at the moment. hope this lasts.
S.P
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[13 Oct 2005|12:29am] |
school's been kicking my ass lately. science and history grades are my
worse i think so far. i'll wait till friday to get confirmation. short
week but, still the homeworks piling up.
</b></a>![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=88.8) xunxluckyx13x hung out with melanie during the three day weekend. i missed that girl a lot. we had a fucking great time.
annie's birthday was on the 11th. i gave her what she wanted and a
little note say happy birthday and all that. she's going back to lowell
next year and she might be going to the
voke which means i might not be able to see her as often as i get to
now. i gotta admit it, i'll miss her a lot if she goes. truth is she's
better off here than there but, she's not fully
happy here. foster care isn't grand, i'd rather see her with her family.
other than that nothing else as been going on. madre and johnny are
home. dad is still a complete moron. jason's birthday is nov 4th.
gauged my right lobe to a 2 without a taper. ears
were stretchier than i thought. two helixs on the left ear i hope soon.
-steven
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[03 Oct 2005|12:16am] |
everythings sorta good and bad at the same time, which is an
improvement. school's been the same, piles of homework i have yet to
make up. most of the niggah crew is tryna get into the voke, only annie
has a real shot at it though. she's great though, smokes weed, does
drugs, parties and yet she still has top grades. i thought about
filling out the app. but, i knew that i fucked up last year by skipping
so much.
gauging my lip wasn't a bad idea after all. it's starting to heal nicely. i was getting tired of waking up and having to clean puss off of the o ring. if i get the chance to hang out with melanie were gonna gauge my right lobe since i don't have my left lobe pierced nor do i want to. i won't gauge it too big because i don't want it to look off.
i guess i've been kinda doing my own thing. friends don't
appeal much to me at the time being. for some reason i have a feeling i
fucked up but, in a way it wasn't my fault. she blew things out of
proportion.
getting custom made shirts by my bro which is pretty sweet
deal. step ma and johnny's supposed to be back in a weeks time from
vietnam, good and bad thing. dad's gonna be home more often now and
that totally sucks. he still has a bad habit if taking my stuff on
trash day and throwing it out. SOB.
up coming three day weekend is
gonna be sick. annie's bday is the 11th so i gotta get her something
good. something better than weed or E cause i know that's something
she'll ask for. tomorrow i might make the niggah crew skip and go to
dunkins with me, i'm in the mood for some breakfest tomorrow.
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[23 Sep 2005|10:12am] |
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i'm in the library, supposed to be doing my science project but, i don't feel like doing it right now. they have these cool chairs but, we can't push around in them because, the librarian who has fat rolls on her elbows doesn't like it. thank buddha it's friday and the weekends here. schools been boring and tiring.
this weekend i'm hopefully going to hang out with melanie. haven't seen her in like three months, so it'll be great to see her. i saw kenzee the other day, after four years. gauging my lip isn't the best idea i had. it's a hassle, i wanna take it out but, i don't want to at the same time. enoc told me a way how to get free food. we'll try it the next time we hang out with sylvia again. which is soon i think. been writing poetry again, figured out that i really like drawing and stuff.
brittany's mad at me for calling her a two faced bitch and a fatty fatso? or maybe i should have called her a chub a lob. which is true but, after hearing her tell me that she's fat over and over it gets annoying so you might as well agree. i'm not really mad she's not my friend anymore. less drama in a way.
being single sucks right now. really want someone to spend time with. i don't really like having old guys over 20 trying to do shit. falling to fast for people sucks. friends are alright for now, i'm a hopeless romantic and i'm becoming more aware of it.
-steven
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[12 Sep 2005|05:12pm] |
so everything might go our way if we were ordinary but, were not.
 
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[28 Aug 2005|12:58am] |
spent nearly a week at tom's moms house. been boring yet kinda fun.
hadn't done much until tonight. i was watching tv when i saw someones
head outside of the window, so i told tina to go see who it was. then i
got up and saw it was phuong and ran to the door. thao was driving, tom
came along, we picked up this other girl i forgot her name. we went to
the mall for a few. they got a small ass mall in worcestor. then went
to rocketland. then ended up going to dunkin donuts for awhile. got ice
cream and some sandwhich. went to see skeleton key at 10. it was so
fucking good, i liked the ending. tons of people i talked to about it
didn't like the ending. got dropped off around 1230. had tons of laughs
tonight, it was great. not sure when i'm going home but, either way i'm
not really looking forward to it.
-SP
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